You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
