I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
