I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
