why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have demons in me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
