Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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