shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
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