Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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