I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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