Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i think i just lost a toe
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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