this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
