you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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