My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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