I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm like, not good at living.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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