I need to stop coming to work sober
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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