Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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