lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
