you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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