Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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