im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Who died my cat blue again?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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