someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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