Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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