Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
