My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
