yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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