you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
