Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
