he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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