I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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