I'm really into asian looking animals
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
