and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
