remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
