So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
