how can u be prego again
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
