i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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