guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
