I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Found the puke drawer
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
BRING THE BAGELS
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
