tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
