do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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