Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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