i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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