I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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