I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.