Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I smell like Dick and happiness
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
