Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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