It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
