i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Success! We fucked roommates!
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