fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
