God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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