Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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