6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
