i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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