The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
