Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
