You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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