well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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